Dreams and Quashers

I'm curious, why is it that I'm still doing things for my parents and not for myself? Where's my drive? Is it the St. George air? I'm suffocating on it, I'm going stir crazy, and it's all going on in my head. I'm constantly thinking all these lovely thoughts or conversations, and I wonder whether or not I'll ever let them be heard, or if they'll jjust sit there in my head until they're quashed and given up on like every other aspiration.
A little while ago, we were challenged to make a dream board, and I made cut out's of things representing my goals. They consisted of getting married in the temple and having a family. Hmmm.... Where did my dreams go?! When I was little I wanted to eventually become a professional ice skater, I had a plan. I would take some gymnastics classes, then dance classes, then eventually, start training as an ice skater. But that faded quickly, eventually, I wanted to be a pop star, some amazing singer/dancer, then I wanted to act. Then be a designer Photographer. Writer. Daycare owner. Now I'm backing down to a school teacher, how many little kids do you know that spend their childhood saying, "I want to be a bank teller!" "a teacher!" " a librarian!" "I want to work in fast food!" None! so why oh why didn't I ask my parents to put me in a dance class when I was young?
I was told by my sister Anna, that I had the talent but not the technique, and I didn't find out that that was really true 'til less than two years ago, and I can't pay for dance classes when I'm trying to pay for college. So a reborn dream goes stale because money rules the world, those poor kids. We may as well tell them from the start, Santa isn't real neither is the Easter Bunny, or the tooth fairy, and there's a 1 in 1000,000,000 chance you'll make it to be any of the things you dream of, so if you don't have lots of money, talent, or drive give up now. Thank you harsh world for breaking the spirits of billions and billions of children.
Well maybe someday I will be famous, who cares what my chances are, I'll sell CDs from the back of a car, I'll leap, and pray that I can fly. Until then

-Living in different worlds, under the same stars

-Ellen Schu

Songs songs songs...

Well I haven't posted in over a year now, but I've written a few songs in that year, and they're all about what's been going on how I've been feeling all that jazz, so here are a few of my favorites.

This is the first full song I've ever written, AND put music to. I wrote it just before graduation one night, after a big fight with my mom and i would play it anytime i thought i needed to get away. It's called Someday.

I've always been this little girl, imprisoned in her little home
Someday I'll live in a new world, someday I will be out on my own

(Chorus)
Someday I'll leave, someday I'll be free, some day I'll get out of this town
Someday I'll say I'm makin my way, someday I'll be free to be who I am

I've lived a very simple life, never had a name or face to know
You'd never know me as the type to get out on stage or to rock the show

But I'm finally starting to break free, I'm tired of living in my shell
I'll let somebody know the real me, say goodbye to the girl you used to know

Chorus

(Bridge)
You say you love this girl who lives in her own little world
I want to be free, let me go, let me be

(Chorus)

This next one is actually the second song I wrote, it's all about how i realized the freedom there is in wearing a mask, how you can either be over joyed or about to break down and still keep a smile on your face for the rest of the world. I call it Mask. (go figure right?)

I walk around with my head held high and laugh
I hum along to a song on the radio
What nobody knows nobody will ever ask
And nobody knows, it's a mask

(Chorus)
Bein' free, behind the face you see
Running wild behind my cheesy smile
Bein' free, no time for memories
I'm moving on, won't look behind my shoulder

I stumble over corners and I fall
I laugh so no one ever hears my pain
Nobody hears a whisper behind a call
Nobody see's the teardrops in the rain

(Chorus)

This next one is sort of a love song, it's about all the reasons things haven't worked out with the guys that I've liked. I have yet to name it though haha. . .

I don't wanna really on you, I'm doin' just fine on my own
Let's get back to being friends
Life's too crazy I'm not prepared to take another step in your direction
Maybe I'm just scared

(Chorus)
Sometimes I think I love you, so much I want to cry and
Sometimes to you I'm so invisible
Somedays you drive me crazy, you're so distant I want to scream and
Maybe that's love dear, maybe, but not to me

I can't tell you I love you i'm afraid I'll be hurt by your rejection
I hide my feelings away
So I make excuses why and you take them in, I get by but
I still hurt for you

(Chorus)

This song is actually the last one I've written so far, it's another sad song :/ but it's about the things going on with my dad and how they affect me, how I try and deal with them. It's called You Won't See.

You'll never hear the things I said
In my head to you today
And I can't cry myself to sleep
Though the pain is too deep to go away

(Chorus)
'Cause I don't know what it takes
I just wanna make you proud of me
And it's too hard, livin' in your shadow
But it doesn't matter 'cause you won't see

You think i don't know what you do
To hurt the ones around you
'Cause I have to pretend
That in the end, you aren't hurting me too

(Chorus)

(Bridge)
You look by again, and even when you see me
I'm not good enough for you
You look down again, and here I am kneeling
I can't pretend to be tough again

(Chorus)

I don't know what it takes, but it doesn't matter
'Cause you won't see

I'm still working on new songs all the time, and eventually I'll get a new camera so I can make recordings and videos, one of these days I'll get some one to help me make some CDs so i can sell them to my friends and other people, but we'll see how it all pans out in the end.
Untill then

-Living in different worlds, under the same stars

Ellen Schu

What Else Is There?

Sorry guys, but since school is over, i had to do it! I'm gonna miss these guys!

Aaaaah my fellow band geeks, we come in peace!

Check out his frowny face! KC is so cool!

Freakin' Jeff!!!!!! haha

Clay and JC, not much past what you see, I love 'em anyway!

This is the real Scott Heinrich

Now this is sooooo Patrick, so i had to use it.

Moving on to the almost normal people!

Shy and Sariah, Shy is well shy so he hates my camera.

You can't tell by this picture, but Robby is a strange, strange child.

Brooke! my crazy ninja!

Abbey and Kayla, amazing dancers that march to there own drum.

Bree, ummm well, what you see is what you get! haha

Nick and Grace, my dramalama friends!

This is probably my favorite picture out of them all, on the right is Sierra, then Tionna, Gina and Ragna.

And since i showed you such a lovely picture, now i must show you the other side! DUN Dun dun...

This was on a Personal Progress trip on the way to California, which is why we're all so crazy!

-living in different worlds, under the same stars-

-'Elf'en that lives in a 'schu'-

Believe Me, I Know

K, so not a whole lot has been going on right now, so i figure i'll post some things i've written for, well, whatever.
So, this first one, is a poem i wrote before i realized how lame free verse is, it does develop some rythm though which is why i like it.

Jungle

It's a journey we all must take,

For some, it's a cave, a desert, an ocean

Mine, is a jungle.

Too afraid to climb trees,

I creep along the forest floor.

A Tigress

Camouflaged from my prey

My target is fast and hides easily

I must strike

Before it leaves me helpless

When I pounce

I change

No longer afraid, I'm left a new challenge.

A Bird

Young, not having left my nest,

I must try my wings

Let them strengthen and grow.

I must leap

Before I'm pushed into the real world

My wings catch the wind, and

I change

No longer carried or fed, one last challenge

A Snake

Skin hard and pale,

Ready to shed

But afraid to touch the rock.

I must change

Before I'm forced to lose myself in a new

I rub the stone.

Skin falling from me

I change

A woman

No longer looking over her shoulder

No longer shying behind other glories

No longer behind youth

Ready to move forward

To change

K so, that's that. now this one's more interesting. Cuz it was more something i thought would be interesting to do.

Dear Future Husband,

I love you, and there are some things that need to be said. I know there will be times when we fight, all relationships have bad times. But does that mean we sacrifice all the good times to avoid the bad? No. I love you. And although I can be stubborn, selfish, cynical, and sometimes downright mean--I can also be faithful, loving, warm, and even, sometimes, funny. You probably drive me crazy, with your weird little habits, quirks. But it's the little things I catch every now and then. The way you play with our kids, how you'll get me little trinkets, just to prove you're always thinking of me. The smirk on you face after you've made me laugh, the way you hold me, terrified I'll shatter on contact. We'll make plans to do things together, and things will get in the way. I'll be hurt when you say you have to stay at work a little longer, but don't worry, it'll make your home coming that much better. If I forget to mention how lucky I am to love you, know that it's on my mind, and I'm trying very hard to SHOW you.

-With all my heart, I love you

-Ellen Marie ________

Interesting huh? well, i figure, i should give ya something so there ya go!

-living in different worlds, under the same stars-

-Ellen Marie ________

Crayons Can Melt On Us For All I Care

Wow, so much to talk about, so little time. Okay, so the past little while has been pretty crazy; first, there was preference, then region band, *yay! we went to state!* then a big ordeal of a funeral, then Senior Ball and a lot of other things in between. So to start out we'll say it starts with preference, yes i asked as usual but it doesn't matter this time considering it's a girl ask dance anyway. So i asked sariahs brother ammon, and instead of typical style dance day *is anything typical with me?* i had work then we went to dinner, so that xs out the day date and group. then i went to the young women broadcast after which we went to pictures, where i asked if i could hop in with another group for pictures *cuz i have to have it all* After that we went to the dance which was held at the Ford car dealership. haha i came home early from that which is funny cuz i don't think i've stayed all the way through a school dance, but stay for every stake dance. I had fun. So then there's this thing called condo week, where my friends family gets together and rents a condo for the week, *actually, it ended up being two weeks but i don't mind* I gotta spend some time with my friend Shy, swam a LOT, laughed even more, and started liking him more than i expected to. the next week was Senior ball and i didn't get asked *:(* as usual, but i got an email from Parker saying he was on spring break, and that he might be able to come down and go with me yay! so i got all excited, bought the tickets and for some reason, decided i should have a back up person, so after everything was figured out, i waited for him to email me telling me whether or not i would be going with Parker or Shy. Then the thursday before Senior ball i get the email, saying he wouldn't be able to come down :( *pout* but i had a back up plan remember? so i call Cheyenne and thank goodness *even though Parker and Cheyenne are two different guys so i no longer had a group that he'd be comfortable in* and once again thank goodness, he said yes. So friday was REALLY busy, i get home at 4:00 with maybe a half hour to clean and get ready for the next two days. I went to babysit 2 dogs, and 2 toddlers, in other words i had to have 4 sets of eyes and a lot of arms. slept over at sariahs house, and sang at a funeral the next morning, which, i thought i sounded dreadful *why people insist i sing in public, i'll never know* anyway, so the WHOLE ceremony, if we include the luncheon at the end lasted from about 11:00-3 or 4ish so i had an hour to be ready to be ready for cheyenne to pick me up. When Shy got there he did NOT faint *told you so Sariah* haha and we went to go do pictures which we xd out when we decided to go waste money on a not even half eaten dinner haha again. I think we drove more than anything else, which i think Shy LOVED, and we only went to the dance for about and hour, then went to go see 17 again. I officially love that movie, and Shy and i agree that that's the best school dance we've ever been to.

-living in different worlds, under the same stars-

-Ariellen

I Make A Good Cowgirl!

This is me and my friend Cody, he was my date, but sometimes really camera shy.

haha, this is gina and harley, one of my favorite pictures of them!

So this one was at texas road house, i didn't have very much food, but i thought i was going to explode!

I love this one, cowboy hats are... scratch that, hats are my favorite to wear!

Okay, so these are just some pics from this way fun double date i went on with my friend Gina, my date Cody, and other friend Harley! Fun huh? Well, first we went to the rodeo, Ginas friend Jay got us free tickets cuz he was in it, and it was sooo much fun, I haven't been to a rodeo since i was eight! So anyway, after that, we went to Texas Road house, which fits perfectly with the cowboy theme, and I ate myself sick, even though i didn't have much food. Haha. So it was about 9 when we decided to go to the "twisty park" and i didn't know what the heck it was so when we get there, there are all these fun little things that you can play on and you get really really really reeeeaaaaalllllllyyyy dizzy, and you cannot stop most of them once your on, i rally did think i was going to puke. But it was way fun, i LOvED it!

-Elmer

Single Awareness Day

Woop. Dee. Doo. Valentines Day, the one day of the year where anyone who's anyone has bragging rights to say, "i have someone to love" well hey! how about those of us who don't have anyone? what do we get? a box of chocolates? flowers? what about a stuffed animal that says "i love you"? nope. we're stuck with going to a dance with a boy we don't even like, with people we don't even know, wearing a dress that makes you look like and oversized eggplant. No, i prefer to call this day, "Single Awarness Day" not that it's really bad to be single, just depressing for those of us who live in the real world, where you don't get "true love" in high school, where a single red rose and a romantic dinner are only in movies. Where a girl named Cinderellen has to work from 9:00-4:00
and go to the ball with "Prince-not-so-Charming" then straight home to her wicked step-father before the stroke of midnight. The End

-living in different worlds, under the same stars
-Cinderellen

Maybe that IS what friends are for

I was on my way home from Red Robin with my friend Tionna, and out of nowhere I tell her how ready I am to leave St. George. I tell her everything, about how i feel about living at home with my family, especially with all the stress and tension thrown around, only to apologize minutes later for dumping all that on her. She tells me "that's what friends are for" and i protest (as usual) telling her that i don't like to add to peoples burdens by being so unhappy, because if you know me, and i mean REALLY know me, i'm not that happy. She told me that she was a little sad that i don't talk to her about that kind of stuff any more. That i don't share my burdens with her, i don't want to be that way though, it scares me when so many people know me the way i really am, because i don't like that person. Of course, i didn't really tell her this, cause i'm sure that would scare her. I think i should also protect my friends from myself, that is to say most of them, i'm a crutch, if i break down i don't think many of my closest friends could walk. THAT is what friends are for to me.

-living in different worlds, under the same stars

-lil schu

trouble in not so paradise

Okay so i know i've missed a lot, but the internet at my house doesn't work so well. So let me fill you in on this huge christmas break. Well the first few days were normal, so glad to be out of school, sleeping in and getting ready for Christmas, and then there was christmas which felt like a regular day, just with presents. Then about 4ish is when my family went to las vagas to spend some time with my aunts. i had a first there when we had crab for dinner, and then we did some more present exchanging. the next day was okay, we went to see the sites went through way too many casinos for my liking but overall it wasn't too bad. we finished with the vinetian hotel, which we would have enjoyed so much more if we weren't dead tired from walking around all day. Any way we kept that routine til about 2 on saturday and when we got home we found a letter from our sister who went home for work. Apparently she decided to elope with my first, maniplative, egotistical, jerk of a cousin. she told the people at both of the places she worked, that she would be working full time at her other job. Then she packed up everything she owned and left. And she was married the day we got back from vegas.the next few days were pretty miserable. but new years eve came and i spent that with my best friends sariah and shaylee and sariahs brother ammon at first night. we walked saw the lights did that sort of stuff went to visit some friends who went bowling the we came back for the "kiddie fireworks" and this guy was acting like every bang of the fireworks was a gunshot. it was actually reallly funny at first, then not so much, any way later my friends go to make there hands warmer and the same guy who was being "shot" was there and asked them to be his first kiss! obviously they said no, they didn't even know the guy! so none of us got a new years kiss, o well. but we went back to sariahs house fell asleep on a couple of couches and went to and awsome party with our friends that were bowling the night before. Alright so techniquely im not allowed to be on "social sites" on school computers, so i have to go now! more later!

-living in different worlds, under the same stars

-Sparky

School's out!

Wow finally done with school, well, for a little while. so i know it's not saturday but i may not have a chance to post tomorrow. So guess what! we had a snow day yesterday! woo hoo! and it's silly cuz we only had like 3 inches of snow. but hey, what can you do? any way my family and i are headin to las vegas and visiting my aunts, but that's not all, for those of you who have seen americas got talent, the ventriloquist who won last year will be performing, and we're gonna go see him! im super excited! im down to working only saturday's at arby's and it blows. cuz i not only can't work most saturdays but my paychecks are down to like 50 dollars, i know pathetic right? but i figure as long as im getting any money, it's enough. well g2g.

-living in different worlds, under the same stars

-Ell mo-ree