Dreams and Quashers

I'm curious, why is it that I'm still doing things for my parents and not for myself? Where's my drive? Is it the St. George air? I'm suffocating on it, I'm going stir crazy, and it's all going on in my head. I'm constantly thinking all these lovely thoughts or conversations, and I wonder whether or not I'll ever let them be heard, or if they'll jjust sit there in my head until they're quashed and given up on like every other aspiration.
A little while ago, we were challenged to make a dream board, and I made cut out's of things representing my goals. They consisted of getting married in the temple and having a family. Hmmm.... Where did my dreams go?! When I was little I wanted to eventually become a professional ice skater, I had a plan. I would take some gymnastics classes, then dance classes, then eventually, start training as an ice skater. But that faded quickly, eventually, I wanted to be a pop star, some amazing singer/dancer, then I wanted to act. Then be a designer Photographer. Writer. Daycare owner. Now I'm backing down to a school teacher, how many little kids do you know that spend their childhood saying, "I want to be a bank teller!" "a teacher!" " a librarian!" "I want to work in fast food!" None! so why oh why didn't I ask my parents to put me in a dance class when I was young?
I was told by my sister Anna, that I had the talent but not the technique, and I didn't find out that that was really true 'til less than two years ago, and I can't pay for dance classes when I'm trying to pay for college. So a reborn dream goes stale because money rules the world, those poor kids. We may as well tell them from the start, Santa isn't real neither is the Easter Bunny, or the tooth fairy, and there's a 1 in 1000,000,000 chance you'll make it to be any of the things you dream of, so if you don't have lots of money, talent, or drive give up now. Thank you harsh world for breaking the spirits of billions and billions of children.
Well maybe someday I will be famous, who cares what my chances are, I'll sell CDs from the back of a car, I'll leap, and pray that I can fly. Until then

-Living in different worlds, under the same stars

-Ellen Schu

Songs songs songs...

Well I haven't posted in over a year now, but I've written a few songs in that year, and they're all about what's been going on how I've been feeling all that jazz, so here are a few of my favorites.

This is the first full song I've ever written, AND put music to. I wrote it just before graduation one night, after a big fight with my mom and i would play it anytime i thought i needed to get away. It's called Someday.

I've always been this little girl, imprisoned in her little home
Someday I'll live in a new world, someday I will be out on my own

(Chorus)
Someday I'll leave, someday I'll be free, some day I'll get out of this town
Someday I'll say I'm makin my way, someday I'll be free to be who I am

I've lived a very simple life, never had a name or face to know
You'd never know me as the type to get out on stage or to rock the show

But I'm finally starting to break free, I'm tired of living in my shell
I'll let somebody know the real me, say goodbye to the girl you used to know

Chorus

(Bridge)
You say you love this girl who lives in her own little world
I want to be free, let me go, let me be

(Chorus)

This next one is actually the second song I wrote, it's all about how i realized the freedom there is in wearing a mask, how you can either be over joyed or about to break down and still keep a smile on your face for the rest of the world. I call it Mask. (go figure right?)

I walk around with my head held high and laugh
I hum along to a song on the radio
What nobody knows nobody will ever ask
And nobody knows, it's a mask

(Chorus)
Bein' free, behind the face you see
Running wild behind my cheesy smile
Bein' free, no time for memories
I'm moving on, won't look behind my shoulder

I stumble over corners and I fall
I laugh so no one ever hears my pain
Nobody hears a whisper behind a call
Nobody see's the teardrops in the rain

(Chorus)

This next one is sort of a love song, it's about all the reasons things haven't worked out with the guys that I've liked. I have yet to name it though haha. . .

I don't wanna really on you, I'm doin' just fine on my own
Let's get back to being friends
Life's too crazy I'm not prepared to take another step in your direction
Maybe I'm just scared

(Chorus)
Sometimes I think I love you, so much I want to cry and
Sometimes to you I'm so invisible
Somedays you drive me crazy, you're so distant I want to scream and
Maybe that's love dear, maybe, but not to me

I can't tell you I love you i'm afraid I'll be hurt by your rejection
I hide my feelings away
So I make excuses why and you take them in, I get by but
I still hurt for you

(Chorus)

This song is actually the last one I've written so far, it's another sad song :/ but it's about the things going on with my dad and how they affect me, how I try and deal with them. It's called You Won't See.

You'll never hear the things I said
In my head to you today
And I can't cry myself to sleep
Though the pain is too deep to go away

(Chorus)
'Cause I don't know what it takes
I just wanna make you proud of me
And it's too hard, livin' in your shadow
But it doesn't matter 'cause you won't see

You think i don't know what you do
To hurt the ones around you
'Cause I have to pretend
That in the end, you aren't hurting me too

(Chorus)

(Bridge)
You look by again, and even when you see me
I'm not good enough for you
You look down again, and here I am kneeling
I can't pretend to be tough again

(Chorus)

I don't know what it takes, but it doesn't matter
'Cause you won't see

I'm still working on new songs all the time, and eventually I'll get a new camera so I can make recordings and videos, one of these days I'll get some one to help me make some CDs so i can sell them to my friends and other people, but we'll see how it all pans out in the end.
Untill then

-Living in different worlds, under the same stars

Ellen Schu

What Else Is There?

Sorry guys, but since school is over, i had to do it! I'm gonna miss these guys!

Aaaaah my fellow band geeks, we come in peace!

Check out his frowny face! KC is so cool!

Freakin' Jeff!!!!!! haha

Clay and JC, not much past what you see, I love 'em anyway!

This is the real Scott Heinrich

Now this is sooooo Patrick, so i had to use it.

Moving on to the almost normal people!

Shy and Sariah, Shy is well shy so he hates my camera.

You can't tell by this picture, but Robby is a strange, strange child.

Brooke! my crazy ninja!

Abbey and Kayla, amazing dancers that march to there own drum.

Bree, ummm well, what you see is what you get! haha

Nick and Grace, my dramalama friends!

This is probably my favorite picture out of them all, on the right is Sierra, then Tionna, Gina and Ragna.

And since i showed you such a lovely picture, now i must show you the other side! DUN Dun dun...

This was on a Personal Progress trip on the way to California, which is why we're all so crazy!

-living in different worlds, under the same stars-

-'Elf'en that lives in a 'schu'-